Ok, on to my project for January (which actually just ended in January. I started much of this journey back in November). My goal was to "parent with more purpose". Now, this was obviously not a goal that could be attained within one month’s time, or even a few months. It is a lifetime pursuit, but I wanted to spend some time thinking about my parenting methods, skills (or lack thereof), and practices to see where I could improve. I wanted to implement some structure that had been severely lacking since our youngest child was born four months ago, and I could also see some trouble spots that I was having with each child that I wanted to address…so, let me tell you how it went.
Let me first start by saying that this took a whole different direction than I had planned for it to take, but that is ok. In fact, it is better than ok. We are in such a fabulous spot right now and it is because things did not go as I had planned. I started out with certain plans, goals, and ideas for this project, but also included Heavenly Father in this goal. After all, they are His kids. I’m just trying to make sure I don’t damage them before they are returned. So, in order to add a little structure to our lives, I implemented this…
I had a super scientific way of choosing each book for each child. I looked up books on amazon that addressed the issues we were having, found the ones with the best reviews and then went to the library and picked the available books with the highest reviews. Stupid, I know, but I wasn’t really sure where else to start. Now, while there was great insight in some of these books, and definitely some helpful information, it is not how I learned what I learned this month, so I’d rather not spend much time sharing what I found in these books, but rather how I found the answers that have really changed things around our house.
I've felt a need to amp up my game as far as parenting goes for several months now. Although my oldest just turned nine, I see the teenage years quickly approaching, and I could see a teenage attitude already beginning to peek through. Things really came to a head with my oldest when our baby was born in October. I don't know how else to put it other than to say all heck broke loose around our house. My daughter does not take change well and having a new member of the family around, and a very demanding one at that was very difficult for her and she started really acting out. I feel horrible saying this, but I began to dread 3:30 when I knew she would be coming home from school. She was making everybody in the house miserable with her defiant attitude and poor behavior. We knew the reason for it, and tried to help her through it, but it just seemed like nothing was working.
One day a sweet friend showed up at my house out of the blue. We were chatting and I just mentioned to her that I was really worried about my daughter and that I didn't know how to help her through this transition. To my surprise, she began to tell me about her daughter that she had struggled with over the years, and still continues to struggle with to some degree. I was pretty shocked because I know this daughter fairly well and she truly is an angel, at least by all appearances to those around her. My friend went on to tell me that she got to the point that she had to pray to have Heavenly Father help her love this child. I was so grateful to hear that and it gave me so much hope, and it was then that I knew exactly what I had to do to help my own child at that point.
I started to make this child the focus of so many prayers and pleadings to Heavenly Father. I asked not only to help me love her, but love her as she needed to be loved and in a way that she could truly feel. Also, to be able to understand on a deeper level what she was going through. Now, as it turns out, my degree is in family studies and human development. I spent entire semesters on parenting issues alone and even taught parenting classes for my practicum (just what every parent wants...to be taught parenting classes from some punk college kid with no kids of their own, but a thousand ideas on how it should be done regardless of having no actual real life experience). I knew about love languages, I knew about negotiating with kids, I knew all the different techniques and theories...Love and Logic, authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting styles, strict vs. permissive...the list goes on and on. I could tell you pros and cons of everything, but do you think I could figure my own kid out?! Turns out that there was a very important piece of the puzzle missing for me...EMPATHY. If anyone has every taken a Love and Logic class or read a book on that theory of parenting, empathy is crucial to its success, but I've found that it is very hard to have TRUE empathy for kids at times. It comes naturally and easily if they are truly hurting, physically or emotionally, but it is a bit more hard to conjure up when it seems they are just throwing a plain old fashioned fit for reasons that seem truly ridiculous to me. And, I've learned that kids can tell when you are truly empathetic for their plight, or when we are just saying the words without the actual feelings behind it.
Much to my surprise, Heavenly Father answered my prayers and pleadings in a most unusual and very unexpected way. I had the opportunity to experience some very intense emotions of my own that I'm sure no one around me witnessing them would have any way of truly understanding what I was going through. I felt such immense frustration at trying to communicate something that was very hard to communicate and not entirely understood even by myself at the moment it was happening, let alone by those people around me. I'm sure to those around me, it looked as though I was just throwing a good old temper tantrum. After that incident, I was so grateful for my husband who witnessed it all. He didn't judge me, he didn't lecture me, he didn't chastise me based on the fact that if someone had filmed the incident and tried to make it into a movie, I would have just earned it an R rating based on my choice of words. Maybe it was easy for him since he wasn't on the receiving end of those emotions, but still...I really appreciate how he handled things. He just loved me, knew me well enough to know that is not my natural way of handling things, knew that what I was trying to communicate was so important to me because it involved people that I love so deeply, and trusted me to know that it was something I would turn into a strength.
Well, fast forward two days...my daughter started to throw a fit and act out in a way that I would have previously thought ridiculous. With this incident fresh on my mind I stopped dead in my tracks and for once felt genuinely empathetic for what she was going through. Instead of telling her to calm down, that her reaction to a situation was beyond what the situation called for, and instead of lecturing, I just started crying for all the times I hadn't empathized with her before. I scooped her up, loved on her, and talked about how I had just had something similar happen to me. I felt true empathy for her. We talked about her feelings, talked about how sometimes we don't even understand why we have them until we sit down and examine them closer, we talked about how we could both do that more effectively moving forward. That moment was so life changing for the both of us. Her acting out has all but stopped from that day forward and it has been over a month since it happened, whereas before she was having meltdown multiple times a day. She still has her moments, like all of us, but I feel so much better equipped to handle them and she doesn't seem to have a need to seek out attention in negative ways like that anymore. And when she does, I try to remember to treat her as my husband treated me. I don't need to lecture her, I know she is a good person at heart, that she is a kind and obedient girl, and I trust that she will learn from her experiences and turn them into strengths. I just need to make sure she knows that I love her.
Another "ah ha" moment in all of this was shortly after I had implemented the above chart for the first time. She had done something that required that she move her clothespin down a notch. She had been excited about it until it was no longer working in her favor. Instead of moving her clothespin down, she removed it altogether, and said she no longer wanted to participate and stomped off to her bedroom. The old me would have wanted to lecture her about giving up, or bailing out when things don't go her way, etc., but instead I had the thought come to me that I'm glad she did this and was being "bad", because it gives me the opportunity to show her that I love her regardless of her actions. My love for her does not change based on her behavior. I actually thanked her for giving me the opportunity to show her that and that was another changing moment in our relationship. Although I've always known that I love her regardless of her actions, I'm not sure she knew it and I'm not sure I communicated that to her, but based on our interactions for the last month, I feel like she really feels it, and I look forward to having opportunities to prove that to her. Who knew I'd look forward to her misbehaving?!
Something else that came to me this month was to start carrying a notebook around with me. I made a section for each child and as I think of things to do for them, or with them, or thoughts I have about them, or something I want to implement with them, I have a place to write it. With this goal always being on my mind, I feel like the inspiration has really been flowing and it's been helpful to have a place to record and remember it all.
The final thing that I wanted to share that I learned this month came from another very unexpected source. I have been trying to read a book called, The God Who Weeps, by Terryl and Fiona Givens for quite some time. I started probably eight months or so ago, but I was so tired during my pregnancy that I would just fall asleep. I picked it up again about two weeks ago and could not put it down. I can't even begin to explain how it has impacted me and changed the relationship I have with my kids. The first third of the book talks about our relationship with God and how he truly weeps for his children. It is nothing that I hadn't thought about before, but the authors describe things in such a way that you can't help but feel for your own children what he feels for us. I couldn't even begin to explain how it did that for me. It truly just spoke to my soul and it is a book that I plan to just keep reading over and over again because it has several layers of meaning to uncover, in my opinion. I highly recommend it. It is not a parenting book by any means, but it ended up teaching me more about being a parent than any of those other books I picked out at the library. And, it is written by Mormons, but I wouldn't necessarily say it is for Mormons only. I think it would appeal to anyone that has a belief in God. I can't remember the last time I have read a book that has impacted me so deeply.
What a month it has been full of triumphs and breakthroughs. I have enjoyed my relationships with my kids in a way that I never imagined possible. I know things will still be challenging and this is by no means the end of my parenting woes and things will only get more challenging, but I'm so grateful to have some experiences under my belt and some new tools in my parenting toolbox. And just so I don't forget that parenting is a never ending challenge, I've got this to remind me right now. This adorable little bundle of joy will...not...let...me...put...her...down. So far, none of the books I've read on her behalf have helped me solve her issues. So, for now, this is how we roll at our house. All. Day. Long. (And yes, my mirror really is that dirty!)
16 comments:
The God Who Weeps, I just put it on hold at the library! I could use some empathy for my son, since I'm positive he has none! I loved this post, I think parenting is a tough gig and any focus, resources, and attempts at new things benefit everyone! Growing up, my mom used all kinds of charts and candy bar lock boxes...until it stopped working and she'd morph into a new thing. Yeah Catherine, and one day for sure I'll share that story of a cat, a box and hose. Thanks for your kind words.
The book is not at the library but I did stick it in my "wish list" on Amazon so I won't forget. Thanks for sharing such deep stuff. I have very similar struggles so it was enlightening how you worked through it. Thanks! (your wrap and baby are adorable, why put them down?)
This post is profoundly meaningful to me. I love your perspective that your own outburst was a blessing from Heavenly Father so you could later empathize with your daughter. And that you cherished your daughter's misbehavior as a chance to show her your unconditional love. This thought rocks my world. Just think of all the opportunities I'll have this week!
Thanks for your post! I find I need to engage more with my kids and really pay attention.
Thanks for the kind feedback. I was really very reluctant to push that submit button, as all of this became a much more heavy topic than I had intended it to be. I was just thinking cute chore charts, fun reward systems, etc, but it definitely morphed into much more.
Your story is inspiring! I know I struggle being empathetic when I feel like my kids are being ridiculous, but I expect compassion when I am. Thanks for helping me see the problem :)
That moment when you empathized with your daughter and took her in your arms brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad for you! I could slow down myself and empathize more with my children.
I'm teary too! Thanks so much for sharing. I've been going through a similar desire to be more loving and mindful as a parent. Empathy is something I need to work on for sure - I just get so tired of the crying that I want to scream! But I've put in a no yelling at each other this year rule and remind them (and me) to speak kindly. I'm also hugging them first thing in the morning (an idea a friend gave me) and as soon as they get home from school and even that seems to be helping. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. It did mine some good. :)
I'm glad you posted early in the month. My February Project is like a small version of your January One. But, you gave me some great ideas. I really like the chart for behavior. I will also be putting the book on hold and reading it this month.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your heart & real, deep insights about how to parent. I am excited to implement some of your ideas because it's true-you have to work, rework, and change up the parenting thing all the time! Your sweet baby will be running around before you know it, but for now she is too cute!
I feel like I'm out of my league! My oldest just turned 3, and I don't have any behavior charts or gimmicks. I have not read a single book on child behavior. I've never studied it in college, so when the time comes to finally need these skills, I'll be completely helpless! I guess the time is NOW to start practicing this stuff in small ways. I love your post! And if I ever thought "babies" were hard, then I still have a lot to learn!
Thank you so much for sharing this journey you've been on with your kids. Such great insight here. I have a 6 year old boy and he's been having a hard time adjusting to his little brother. Tantrums, more tears than I've ever seen come out of him. You've given me hope and lots to think about here. Don't worry, my mirrors look the same as yours with my 6 month old glued to my hip! Hang in there!
Catherine, I relate so much. I feel like I'm in the woes of a parenting crisis and needed the encouragement and direction you offered. I have three different books I just checked out from the library to help me find direction, but it's so true that the best teaching comes through the Spirit. I just have to stop resisting the education! And to offer my own encouragement, my youngest (who is now 2) would not let me put her down for the first three months. I constantly carried her in a wrap, just like you are now. And then one day, she let me go. She's been a pretty independent child since.
What a great mom! I love that you are including Heavenly Father in your parenting. Very sweet experiences. Another great book for later on, when you are up for it, is 3 Steps to a Strong Family, by Richard and Linda Eyre.
Thanks for sharing your ideas! As I get ready to send my baby to kindergarten next year, I'm seeing how quickly the time is flying and my opportunities to impact my children are getting to be fewer.
What a sweet post, thank you!
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