Jennifer Hatch, March, Improve relationships with my in-laws

At the beginning of the year this is how I outlined my third project:

March: Begrudge my grudges. Twenty years into my marriage I still feel unaccepted by my in-laws. This, despite their being good people. In trying to figure out my place in their lives I have analyzed incident after incident, which has only resulted in a catalog of slights. It’s crippling me. I need to change and focus on the good.


Hmm. A bit vague? How, exactly, does one accomplish a project like this? What steps do you take? How can you measure the results?

I had no idea. Still don't.

I just knew that I needed to try.

Because this project is all about my learning to let go, I will not tell you the stories of my hurts. I have been carrying some of them for decades, and I do not want to give them any more life. I will, however, tell you some of the dynamics of our family.

Jeff is the oldest of 8 and was the first of his siblings to marry. He is very unassuming by nature, and keeps to himself, even at family gatherings. He's aloof. Most of his siblings live in the same county as his parents, and are able to do a lot together. We live an hour+ plus away. We don't feel in the loop. One sister lives in Seattle; her parents love to visit and go to her home more often than ours.  Jeff's family is a boisterous, happy bunch, but I always feel like I say or do the wrong thing. (Sometimes I'm told as much.) I feel like an outsider. I make many mistakes.

Although I designated this as my March project, I thought about it intently from the outset. One connecter here sent me an email after Nora posted our projects in January, cheering me on about this project specifically. Thank you. Being able to share some of my feelings with her was a great release. I also prayed and pondered on this.

I realized the key to my project was in the words I kept uttering: I feel. I feel this ... I feel that.

I can't do anything to change someone else's actions toward me, I can only change how I react. This is oddly empowering. 

I chose to walk away from the past. I thought about writing down my grievances and my own mistakes on individual slips of paper, then burning them in a candle's flame, or flushing them down the toilet, or climbing a cliff and hurling them into the abyss from my shaking fist as I screamed at the wind. Nah, too dramatic, even for me. Plus, as I mentioned before, I feared that listing my grudges would make them larger than life. I needed to move away from them, not give them more energy.

You should know that I tried to talk to my mother-in-law about a time I felt hurt, and that only resulted in more hurt. I've been holding a lot in. 

Then I thought, what if I took each hurt and turned it into something better? What if I said, this little piece of grit is ugly and sharp and I'm sick of carrying it around in my shoe. I'm tired of it poking me. I'm going to shake it out and bury it in the dirt instead, and maybe, just maybe, if I keep trying and water the spot and give it light, I'll be amazed at what happens. What then?

I like object lessons. In February I thought of a way to give shape to this project. I decided that I would start flowers from seed and present my mother-in-law with a homegrown container for her birthday in May. Each day I would think of one of her good qualities (and there are many) as I watered the seedlings. I would smother the bad feelings.

Then March hit. If you read my last post you know that my husband had brain surgery on March 3. It was a terrifying ordeal ... and all the while Jeff's family was there to support us. Jeff had a grand mal seizure while he was in the hospital awaiting the first visit from the neurosurgeon. Jeff's father jumped into action to open his airway. Jeff's mother held my hand as we helplessly watched at his bedside. When nurses remarked on my father-in-law's life-preserving role, he said simply, "He's my little boy."

My husband's health scare helped me see anew that his family loves us. It offered perspective and clarity and shared experiences that brought us closer. I am grateful for that. (But be careful what you wish for -- or at least the goals you announce on ProjectsConnect!)

I haven't started the seeds indoors yet (assembling my lights and rack is a two-person job, and Jeff isn't keen on too many projects these days), but this I know already: 

The flowers will be beautiful.