I have the best husband. He's dedicated to our family and works incredibly hard. He helps around the house and insists on doing the dishes most nights. He takes over whenever I need a break. He gives me freedom to spend money however I want. He lavishes me with affection. He honors my requests. He makes me laugh. And I know how lucky I am.
I haven't always thought so. In fact, when the above picture was taken, I was planning to leave him. On the drive up to take family pictures, we got into a fight. We'd reached a point where it seemed impossible to overcome our difficulties. I was done. I was tired of fighting and disagreeing and feeling like things never improved. It was too much work.
Ironically, this has become one of my favorite pictures. I look at it and tell myself, if we could get through that day and that time, we can get through anything. This picture reminds me of the choice we made that day. We realized we were either going to fail, or we needed to work harder to make our marriage unbreakable.
It's been a lot of hard work. Letting go of incorrect perceptions and false beliefs about relationships. Learning to accept each other as is. Finding the positive. Constant work. You know what it takes. We haven't given up on each other. And we committed that we never would. Part of the reason I picked the goal of romance for a month was because I knew I needed to step it up again.
The last couple of months have been very challenging for me and Chris has seen me through lots of down days, being supportive in my moments of crisis and never judging or criticizing, only occasionally telling me I needed to get on medication. This month was just what I needed to take the focus off me and start giving back to him.
A few years ago, I challenged myself to the goal of doing something romantic for Chris everyday. I wanted to see if incorporating more romance into our marriage would cause us to change the way we treated each other. I didn't tell him my plans; I wanted to see if he picked up on it. I borrowed lots of ideas from 1,001 Romantic Ideas by Gegory Godek. (Download a pdf copy of the book here. I totally recommend it.) A few fun ideas:
-writing a message on his truck window
-burning a cd with "our song" and setting it to play when he started his truck.
-asking what his favorite number is and giving him that many kisses
Some of the ideas were elaborate and took a lot of work, others were simple. But the one rule I had was not to repeat any of them. Each day I had to do something different. And the results were awesome. Without ever verbalizing between us, he started reciprocating. One day I came home with rose petals all over the bed. He started leaving me notes, doing more things for me. I truly felt our love grow by just that simple daily gesture. And yet, after that month was over, the gestures died off, the creativity waned, and I was back into old habits. I've often wanted to repeat this challenge and find a way to make it a permanent habit.
This time around, I didn't keep a running list. And I didn't come up with a new idea everyday. I just made sure that at least once a day I did something to show my love. A message on the bathroom mirror, a gushy text, a wink or a kiss from across the room, a note on his pillow, or you know...
The results. It wasn't as dramatic an experience as when I tried this the last time, and I realize that sometimes I do need to be more elaborate-at least with my husband. But maybe it wasn't dramatic because we're in a healthier place. I also realized that maybe this was more for me. I don't think that my efforts made as much of an impact on him as they did on me. By thinking of him more often, and finding ways to show him my love and gratitude, I've been more inclined to think positively of him. And because I kept it simple, I'm motivated to keep going. I'm determined that this will be part of my nature!
In addition, we spent time almost everyday reading from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Gottman can predict within five minutes of a couple's conversation whether their marriage will last or not, with an accuracy rate of 90%. This is the first book on marriage that we've read together. It's opened our eyes to some bad habits that we both have. His principles really make sense and have started some great conversations. It's also not a fast read, as we discovered. There are lots of quizzes and exercises which you have to give justice to. So we didn't finish. And I'm ok with that. We'll keep working our way through it. We'll keep the romance going. This marriage is going to last.
PS. Other relationship books I love: Change your Questions, Change your Life by Wendy L. Watson; Rock Solid Relationships by Wendy Watson Nelson and Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner
11 comments:
I loved this post. Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes when we blog like this, it gives mis-conception that everyone else's lives are perfect all of the time. Marriage takes a lot of work and I admire you putting in the effort needed. I love your ideas and can't wait to try out a few of them!
I am just so impressed that you have dedicated yourself to your marriage like this. It's an inspiration to me, really. I will think on this for a while. :)
This the best thing I could have read this morning, thanks for your vulnerability and trust in the project and what a great write up of your experience. I agree with the work part and and thanks for the references you left at the end. I'm putting them "on hold":)
I think all married couples could try a little harder to be kind, romantic, selfless, or just plain thoughtful. Thanks so much for sharing and I am going to look into that book. Happy to hear you are still together. You make a beautiful couple.
Great reminder! I too love anything by Wendy Watson...just last week I found her card as I was cleaning out, reminding me of how she helped me through some difficult times in life.
What a beautiful post about your marriage! Marriage is tough work sometimes isn't it? I'll have to read some of those books. I really should try to be more actively thoughtful in mine... This is one of my favorite projects that I've seen, what a great example you are!
Thank you for sharing. It's so refreshing when we can be honest and vulnerable and comforting to know that we all have those times when we just want to be done! In meeting with my Bishop the other day he asked how my marriage was. I said, "Well.... we've had our ups and downs." He said, "Good. That means you're normal, just like me and all the rest of us!" Love it. I love that we are all being more open these days. Thank you for those ideas. I think I will try a few!!!
What a beautiful post! Thanks for the reminder that "happily ever after" needs lots of work and some thought. Well done :)
Inspiring!
Your raw, clear honesty blew me away! Your writing and message are powerful -- thank you for sharing this. I am glad the picture after such rockiness became one of your favorites.
Great post!!! So true and so honest, thank you! Thanks for the PDF, I'm going to try that!
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